//these pseudo-essays are written with minimal editing and are not meant to be polished outputs. they’re exercises in writing regularly and publishing with as few barriers as possible. tbh, your time is better spent reading something more thoughtful. for my formal writing, visit longwayhome.substack.com. inspired by @visakanv’s 1000wordvomits.
Many healthy relationships are comprised of two individuals who lean in opposing directions as a general way of being.
To illustrate: one person may be more of a spender while the other a saver, one may be more of a talker while the other is a listener, one may be more anxious while the other is spontaneous. The Spender doesn’t always want to spend, but the Spender may be able to more easily rationalize spending in a way with which the Saver might struggle. The Talker can also listen, but talking feels more natural. The Anxious one can be spontaneous, but it takes more self-talk (read: self-soothing) to counteract their natural inclinations and enjoy the experience.
When we move through our lives as individuals, our internal dialogues often embody both sides of these tensions (and there are an infinite example of such dichotomies). We recognize behaving in any extreme way all the time won’t lead to the best results, so we go back and forth in our minds, mulling over decisions and ultimately making one we feel is best for the situation.
We find stability and security in partners who tend to lean in opposite directions from us. On a sub-conscious level, we realize discussing everything with someone who thinks differently may be more taxing, but it leads to be better decisions for all.
Interestingly, being in these relationships can push us further toward our natural end of the spectrum. Finding a partner with whom to discuss can actually prompt us to dig our heels in when arguing our side, radicalizing us. The more sound the opposing logic, the more passionately we argue our side, desperate for concession.
Yes, our partner is right, but so are we.
Alone, our conscience would voice the exact discussion points brought forth by our partners, but being in a relationship allows us to externalize this back and forth. We outsource our reasoning and allow our internal conflict play out through discussion in front of us. If the other person didn’t exist, we would find ourselves arguing the exact points they’re voicing, but now, there’s no need to hold ourselves back.
This isn’t a bad thing. It allows us to lean more into our tendencies overtime, developing a reputation of being the Spender, the Talker, and the Spontaneous one. Being in such a relationship allows us to actualize the the highest version of our tendencies without needing to impede the process with “weighing both sides” since we trust our partners to play that counterbalancing role. Observing ourselves play a consistent role in discussions develops within us a stronger self-concept. We build confidence in knowing what we like and dislike, and we can more reliably predict how we’d behave in various situations.
I don’t know if all that’s true, but sounds about right?
Arguing,
Vandan
Vandan Jhaveri 